Original Paragraph -
Puritan towns in early America were well known for their extreme religious piety based on an overbearing fear of judgment during life and after. Anything that happened in these societies that could not be explained from a biblical context was considered evil. One person's word was good enough to have someone burned at the stake for associations with the devil. So what happens when in Salem, Massachusetts, the most pious of them all, a young man finds himself the sole trekker on the path of righteousness and purity? Nathanial Hawthorne, in his narrative," Young Goodman Brown", experiments with this scenario as he sets his protagonist, goodman Brown, up against the town with a primarily internal battle involving his conscience.
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Revised Paragraph -
In his narrative, "Young Goodman Brown", Nathanial Hawthorne sets his protagonist, goodman Brown, against his own conscience, in a primarily internal conflict that prompts him to choose between faith and isolation, or damnation and inclusion. Hawthorne, through goodman Brown's experiences, is able to reveal his cynical and questioning thoughts about the church's corruption and its betrayal of the religion it was founded on. The first indication of Hawthorne's skeptical thoughts towards the church occur at the beginning of the story, just before Brown initially sets off for his journey. In response to Brown's resolve to proceed on his journey despite her protest, Faith says, "Then, God bless you! ... and may you find all well when you come back." Faith's words are genuine and sincere, yet the irony is not revealed until the end, when Brown does come back to find everything well. The difference is, when he comes back, everything he took for granted before has a new light; a foul tinge that represents the hidden sin of the community. This revelation that Brown recieves within the forest represents Hawthorne's own eye-opening experiences that comprise his beliefs about his church's leadership. Another point in the story that reveals Hawthorne's cynicism towards the church is when Brown finds out that everyone he once thought to be holy and faithful has in reality been babtized into sin deep within the forest. Hawthorne, through this turn of events, attempts to portray that the church is in many cases, not what it seems to be to those who worship within its walls. The ending of the story gives the strongest indication of Hawthorne's opinions of the church. During the climax, as Brown ultimately decides to stay faithful to God, he yells at his wife, "Faith! Faith! ... Look up to heaven, and resist the Wicked One!" Whether she did or not, he does not know, yet the next time he sees her he "look[s] sternly and sadly into her face, and pass[es] on without greeting." Having become extremely distrustful and cynical without any confirmation that the events even took place, Brown damns himself into lifelong misery until "his dying hour [of] gloom." Brown is not even certain whether the church members did bathe in sin, yet he still condemns himself into years of isolation. Hawthorne through Brown's confusion, attempts to mirror the cloud of uncertainty that follows the church and its leadership, and which, especially in Brown's case, is not even overcome with the strongest faith. Though Brown made the right decision, he refuses to partake even in family prayers without "scowl[ing], and mutter[ing] to himself, and gaz[ing] sternly at his wife, and turn[ing] away." Hawthorne acknowledges the importance of religion, however through Brown's exprience he illuminates to the readers the importance of keeping an open mind towards the church, as it can be corrupt through those who use it for personal gain. Hawthorne shows, through Brown's fate, the isolating effect a corrupt church can have on those who question its integrity.
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My original paragraph, though unfinished, never had a clear direction from the start. I start with some opening words about Puritanism that would have fit in nicely for an introduction to my revised paragraph, yet, by itself, the thesis statement doesn't have a clear focus. The first thing I did in my revised paragraph, other than improving the thesis statement from the previous one, was tie it in with an assumption or an argument. This gave me significantly more to write about in the revised paragraph. I, otherwise, would not have had very much to elaborate on.
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